Jauh perjalanan, luas permandangan

One of things I miss about my Nokia is the fact that I can spontaneously take photographs of good quality. For example, there was a wonderful view of the Houses of Parliament at dusk earlier today, and the picture I took simply did not do it any justice. I really should invest in a camera, and thus allow myself to take pretty pictures as I go on my travels (as Kudo is undoubtedly doing at present in Paris, and WK back home in Malaysia).

I was unable to catch up with the two of them whilst in London, but I was able to hang out with a couple of couples. This included catching up with Reem after an obscenely prolonged amount of time and trying not to be distracted by the friendliest feline since Burange (see pic below with the owner) whilst chilling with Ninie and Amir. Stroking the little kitty was probably quite therapeutic as well; leading to a much-needed state of relaxation.




Generally speaking, I’m a pretty confident guy. I am not without experience in public speaking, and am not afraid to speak my mind. The latter appears to be more obvious during informal sessions though; I am absolutely fine when discussing politics over dinner or philosophy over a cup of coffee, or banging off ideas with my consultant during ward rounds. But when it comes to ‘formal’ sessions, I somehow seem to lose a little bit of my mojo.

Case in point numero uno: PACES.

I have yet to look at the breakdown of my results, but I am sure that I didn’t pass because of 2 things. Firstly, I couldn’t locate, let alone identify the rash in Station 5 and that killed the entire station ‘cause my confidence went the way of the Dodo. Secondly, I KNOW I betrayed nervousness whilst presenting some of my findings. And whilst I know that the key to passing PACES is to ‘play the game’ and display a relaxed and confidence facade, it’s a heck of a lot easier said than done.

In fact, Gerry said that my problem is that I am too nice a guy and lack the relatively more aggressive approach of the locals. To quote him, I should be bordering the point of arrogance. It’s probably the first time that my ‘niceness’ has been pointed out as a flaw, but I do see his point. To make things worse, I do get rather nervous when I am in front of him for one reason or another. I end up feeling like a schoolboy in front of his headmaster. And to top things off, he had such a look of utter disappointment in his eyes when we talked about my PACES that I felt that I had not only let myself down, but the entire (non-existent) school as well.

To be honest, there are 3 reasons why I didn’t pass and the third reason is the simple fact that I didn’t work hard enough. And there’s no escaping that fact, nor can I make any excuses. I did not put in the effort that was required, which naturally lead to me not getting the results that I wanted.

Case in point nombor dua : My presentation at the British Thoracic Society’s Winter Meeting earlier today.




I can’t remember the last time I had palpitations prior to an oral presentation. Then again, it’s been months since my last presentation and I’ve never actually given one in front of an audience consisting of professors and physicians, some of whom are eminent figures in their chosen fields of study.

Happily enough, the research data was well-received and although I did betray a hint of nervousness, I didn’t make an absolute fool of myself. To be fair, I probably didn’t do THAT badly considering I’m merely a junior doctor (and I had a tremendously supportive Dr Murphy in the audience as well) and it’s my first appearance at a conference at national level.

But when you’re in the presence of individuals such as Prof Calverley and Prof Celli, individuals who have not only spearheaded ground-breaking research but have such pleasant personalities as well as brilliant presentation skills, you realise just how much of an insignificant speck you are in the world of medicine. Listening to them speak was an eye-opener in itself; I don’t think I would have been able to hold a conversation with them even if I had the opportunity as I would’ve clammed up for fear of making a complete fool of myself.

We all have to start from somewhere though and I guess that’s one of the good things of being exposed to conferences such as these; it makes you realise just how much you have to work and how far you have to go in order to reach such stratospheric heights. It’s actually given me the motivation to work harder for my PACES, simply to get it out of the way, in order to be able to concentrate on other matters that might help advance my appreciation for medicine. Here’s hoping that the winter wonderland that has greeted my return to the northeast will not dampen this burst of enthusiasm.