Heavy Burden

Back in Carlisle. Been a busy bee, especially when compared with the sluggishness of the weekend. Not that I have any regrets, of course! Only regret consuming the vast amount of chocolates... I'm gonna end with diabetes if I'm not careful!! They were remarkably delicious tho...drool...

During a ward round at the CCU yesterday morning, my consultant put up a couple of x-rays and asked me what's the obvious difference. After waffling on for a bit about various consolidation, narrowings blah blah blah, he said 'Well, the main difference is the fact that the x-rays belong to 2 different patients, so you shouldn't even be comparing them.' At which point, I felt like a dumbass. Ah well... lesson of the day. Or rather, lesson of the week!!

Last week was a rather depressing week in retrospect. I was continuously exposed to stroke victims, and that can be quite trying if you're not used to it. The sight of elderly patients being unable to feel their limbs, let alone walk... the sad, i-give-up looks of those who're unable to speak although they know what they want to say... the frustration in their eyes, and its manifestations in various off behaviour... it can be too much at times. My friend actually cried once, and I have to admit, I wasn't exactly on cloud 9 either.

Studying medicine allows you the privilege to get up close and personal to individuals who are at their most vulnerable. These are individuals who trust you with their most intimate secrets, placing their lives and worries in the hands of a stranger with the hope that somehow, things will get better. If you think about it, it's a huge responsibility. One that should not be taken lightly.

I think not many of us (med students) realise the enormity of the situation just yet. I cringe everytime a fellow student talks about wanting to be an obs n gynae 'cause it pays well. Or anything else along those lines. I am by no means purely altruistic in my actions. I'll be the first to admit that financial freedom is important, and I will definitely base any career decisions partly on financial matters. But to study medicine and only think about the financial gain, I think that's being ridiculously and dangerously ignorant of the responsibility that will be placed on our shoulders. Too many of my colleagues go on and on about the benefits to themselves without even mentioning the difference they will be able to make to the lives of others. It's probably too much of a cliche.

I'm dead scared of being a house officer (here's hopefully assuming I graduate!), knowing that for the first time, someone's mortality and morbidity will be affected by my decision. I do not doubt I will improve in time, and will be more confident, but I also ferverntly hope that I will never lose focus on the most important aspect of it all, i.e. the patient. If I do, feel free to smack me. At the very least.