Weekend in Carlisle

It's Saturday and I'm sitting here in the library in Carlisle. Why didn't I go back for the weekend? A mixture of reasons, actually. Firstly, was on-call last night. Secondly, figured I'd use this opportunity to have a look around the town. And thirdly, one weekend away from Newcastle ain't gonna kill me. Been quite productive, actually!

Was on-call yesterday 'till 10pm. Clerked in 3 patients, all of whom had rather interesting stories. The worst was this lady who's had epilepsy since she was 7 (she's 50+ now). She's fed up with falling down without warning all the time, and is contemplating suicide. Kesian jugak. Most of the cases in the geriatrics ward are kinda kesian jugak. I think I'd rather die than be in the condition that most of them are. Not being coherent, not being independant. There were 3 interesting personalities that I met earlier during the day. One was an opera singer, who kept on singing all the time. Needless to say, it was quite frustrating trying to listen to her chest. Another is currently in prison, and it was quite amusing/scary listening to him curse and threaten folks for stealing his clothes (he woke up to find himself in pyjamas and wasn't amused about it!) and lastly was a priest. He kept on talking about God blah blah blah, and after that, I found out he's HIV positive and is awaiting some sort of inquiry. Tsk tsk tsk...

Was tired by the end of yesterday, but I went in today at 0830 for the post on-call ward round. Turned out to be a mistake, 'cause I was stuck there 'till 1300. Probably one of the longest ward rounds I've ever been on!! Went thru about 25 patients. It was rather educational though, and since there were about 5 patients with a PSM, I'll probably never make a mistake with mitral regurgitation again. Hopefully! Was with Ali, the house officer and Dr Billet. He is one of those nice docs who's always teaching and is always smiling. Don't think he's capable of losing his temper. The closest I've seen him to being mad is when he was cursing orthopaedic surgeons for treating broken bones only and not the patient (this particular patient was discharged without appropriate support and came into hospital a few days later having broken another bone).

Went to Carlisle in the afternoon. Posted Alin's 'Selamat Pengantin Baru' card, explored the town. It's a quaint little place. About the size of Durham. Not as pretty though. Then again, not many towns can claim to be prettier than Durham. The main difference with Newcastle is the fact that I didn't see any other Asians apart from a couple of chinese folks working in their takeaway, and the fact that there's a Gap store in the middle of town. Unfortunately, they weren't selling the stuff for my sweetie that I was looking for. After a couple of hours, I was just too tired and decided to go back. Wanted to catch 'Saw' but it's only showing at 2100 so I figured it wasn't worth it. Did some shopping at M&S, took the bus back, had a 20-minute nap, and here I am!

A friend of mine was asking me for advice about his r'ship and it got me into thinking about how some people get themselves into situations where they're cheating on their partners. Guess it's a matter of figuring out what's wrong with the current r'ship they're in. I've got a friend who's switched bfs a few times, and each time before breaking up with her current bf, she'll be having some sort of affair with the next one, although she claims it's innocent. I've told her she wasn't doing the right thing, but history just tends to repeat itself. Funny thing is, her ex-es still put her on a pedestal, but that's probably due to ignorance about what's going on. I just hope that her current r'ship remains strong and they both remain happy with each other.

On a sadder note, The Lancet reported that 100 000 civilians have been killed in Iraq since the occupation of the foreign forces. And that's probably an underestimate. These folks won't even make the headlines of any major newspapers in the US. There won't be any memorials built in their honour. Their names won't be know. There won't be a national day of mourning for them. And the situation is bound to get worse. A decline in the standards of healthcare is bound to be chronic in the near time. And what about morbidity? It's no wonder that everyone hates the Americans, apart from the Americans themselves and the odd British. And I'm not going to be surprised if the Al-Qaeda only gets stronger after this. From being sworn enemies of Saddam Hussein, Iraq's gonna be fertile ground for recruitment. One can only hope and pray that our world is not going to descend into an endless cycle of mindless violence.

Very the Tired...

Penat...

Sigh... just typed a whole load of nonsense, and all of it disappeared...why? No idea... one of the 'joys' of modern technology!!As one can guess, it was a tiring day. Had a day filled with history-taking, examinations and teaching. All of which has led yours truly to the point of mental exhaustion due to the info overload. It's good, no doubt, but I guess I've got to steel myself and get myself used to this change of events. Going from barely doing anything to intensive work day in and day out.

Of course, on the plus side, I hope to be a better student at the end of the attachment. Don't think I have a choice in that matter. Dr Orgee is known to have made students stay back during hols if she's not satisfied with their performance. Don't think I fancy staying here for the X-mas break....it's gonna be distressing enough spending it in Newcastle! And god knows I don't wanna spend my b'day over here!

I keep on mispronuncing Dr Orgee's name as Dr Orgy. Haven't actually done it in front of her yet, and I hope that day never comes. Might prove to be rather awkward. The lady is very very enthusiastic about everything. She's in hospital 'till 9-10pm, and she's always on the go.I noticed the lack of a wedding ring on her finger, which is a pity 'cause she's an awfully nice lady. A good teacher, although after 90 mins of teaching about falls, Helen and I were staring at her with dull, vacant expressions. Didn't help that I was hungry and she was suffering from a sore throat.

All in all, I'm finding geriatrics a heck of a lot better than the mental image I had in mind. I'm starting to see it more along the lines of being able to improve the quality of lives, rather than just plain old depressing. Don't think I'll end up doing it as a career though.Career-wise...still have no idea... don't think I wanna do surgery. The field itself is interesting at times. But surgeons tend to be pompous bastards. Generally. Not only do I not want to become one, but I don't want to work with such characters in the first place. Job satisfaction is gonna be quite essential if you're gonna be doing it for life. Medicine is quite interesting. The folks are friendlier (generally) and once again, it's quite interesting. I love interacting with patients. I don't think I have that good a grasp of medical knowledge, but I think I get along with patients quite well. Medicine is also tough and extremely busy especially in a place like Carlisle. But all the better for training, I guess. I did consider ending up as a GP. That's got advantages too. More time at home, more time for other activities (sports, business, politics), easier money (especially after the initial set-up cost). But I guess I can't actually decide at this point in time. At times, I do envy those who've made up their minds. At least they don't have the hassle of indecision.ah well...

almost time to eat...gonna fix myself a salami sandwich and figure out if there's anything more substantial to fill my tummy with...

Of old friends and current situations

Having my lunch break at the moment. Obviously, lunch isn't being consumed but instead, I'm here in the library awaiting the next teaching session at 1 o'clock. It's amazing how well-organised the teaching over here is. I think I will have more teaching within this first week than during the entired 8-week rotation I had over at the RVI. The advantages of being in a DGH, I guess.

I stand corrected on a point I made earlier. The internet connection over here isn't THAT slow. Apparently, I was unfortunate enough to have used a particular comp that is notoriously inefficient. The other comps are perfectly normal! Just my luck... I've now got a fav comp, and all that's left to do is to get myself a more comfy pillow...

Just replied most of my outstanding emails. Sent a mass email as usual to radzi, ninie, adzim, effie n zana. I wonder if I should continue doing that, considering

1. zana doesn't want anything to do with me

Having said that, she's probably blocked my e-mail anyway, so that's that! I used to care about her and wonder if she's doing ok. After all, we were close friends and did go thru a lot together. But now, I just don't care anymore. Why bother about someone who just wants you to suffer the rest of your life? I guess I'll just let things be the way they are. I wish her well and hope things work out for her. I know I could have handled things with her in a more positive manner, but at the end of the day, I did the right thing.

2. nobody else seems to bother much about keeping in contact

I think this little group of ours were very very close at one point, but even then, not everyone was close with everyone. I think I was close with everyone, except for Effie. I only got closer to Effie after we've left for our respective univs. Now, the only person among the lot that I feel close to is Radzi. The others either don't wanna talk to me or are probably too busy with their own matters or just call when they need something. I guess there's no point in deceiving ourselves and trying to hold on to things for the sake of nostalgia. Everything's got to be double-sided right? I'll just along with the flow and see how things turn up. Kinda sad, but that's reality for ya!

My neckache has spread to a backache. What I need right now (besides a better sleeping position) is my sweetie's magic massaging fingers! That'll get rid of any ache in a second. Probably a mixture of technique and TLC that does the trick... ah bliss...

Welcome to Carlisle

Today was my first day in the Cumberland Infirmary, the hospital that serves the population of Carlisle, and the population that lives within a 50-mile radius of the town. Arrived here yesterday afternoon, courtesy of good ol' Mocque, along with Nik with Em accompanying us. Arrived in time to watch Manchester Utd end Arsenal's 49-match unbeaten run, which I believe was thoroughly undeserving. And it so happens that my personal dislike for the Neville brothers and RUDE Van Nistelrooy has intensified further! But more on Carlisle...

Our first impression of the hospital was one of amazement. The mail hospital block is new, and it's very cheery and pretty and bright. There's even a Costa cafe near the entrance (not that I'll be making use of it anytime soon). The accommadation was pretty nifty as well, and I think it's the best accommodation I've had compared to the other hospitals. My room is spacious, the bed is comfy, got a sink in the room, lovely hot power showers, a couple of kitchens along the corridor, a lounge with a telly and SKy, another lounge with a telly and a DVD player... pretty good stuff! All this started me pondering about the possibility of working here for my Foundation years.

Today was busy busy busy. Was in hospital from 9am 'till 6pm. Don't think I've ever done that throughout my Surgical attachment. And even more amazing, I actually enjoyed it. Naturally, there were moments during which I almost fell asleep. But the teaching was great, and the staff and doctors are so, very VERY friendly and enthusiastic. Now, I know for sure I want to work here. If I get a post in the FOundation programme here, I will be eternally grateful to God for not giving me a place at the RVI. There might be a silver lining in that whole episode after all...A really shiny, silver lining..

There are 2 things I don't like about this place though.

1. The horribly lumpy pillows. This has resulted in me having a horrible ache at my neck all day long. Can't actually look at the ceiling without cringing a little. Then again, maybe that's just me being a baby and wanting to 'menagih simpati' from my sweetie. Hahaha...
2. The horribly horribly slow computers. I don't think the connection in M'sia pun was this bad. I'm not even sure if it's slow because of the net connection or because of the old MS software being used. Probably a mixture of both. I took the trouble to come here (now) at night, and I think there's a slight improvement from when I tried to use it this afternoon. I doubt I'll take the trouble to reply any emails 'till the weekends unless it happens to be particularly important.

The folks living with me are nice too. Nik I obviously know. Spent last night watching 50 1st Dates and School of Rock with him. The former was surprisingly good, the latter was pretty much what I expected it to be. My partner in the Medicine rotation is a girl called Helen. She's nice and helpful, and we spent a good half hour today talking about our significant others. She's been with her bf for a good 6 years, which is quite impressive considering they're not in the same univ. But then again, York ain't that far off. Quite a number of the PRHOs come from foreign countries, particularly India. Hopefully the situation will be similar this year, i.e. most univ folks will apply to more popular places such as Durham, and hopefully I'll not only get a job, but the get the posting that I want.

Anyway, think I'll go eat some more now. It's been raining all day and it's cold...need more calories!!!

To die or not to die?

Yawn...

I'm tired! No idea why, especially since I actually woke up relatively late today. Around 0930 I think.Gone are the days when I used to wake up only to find out that I have missed lunch. Of course, this being Ramadhan, lunch is not an issue anymore, but I'm continously surprised by how much can be done when one wakes up early and decides to do something concrete.

Of course, most of my waking hours have been spent reading non-academic books. I've rediscovered Asimov's Foundation, and that's a joy to read. It's always quite interesting to go through the things that used to excite you as a kid and to observe if they still have the same effect. Asimov does, He-Man doesn't. Hahaha... Might give Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot a try sometime later. It'll be easier if I can find their books at the Oxfam secondhand book shop. It has got to be one of my fav shops ever! Just got myself a couple of books today, along with the latest issue of Identity Crisis. Now, THAT is good reading! DC superheroes in a totally different light - scared shitless. Also got a copy of Watchmen to give Em as a b'day gift.

Today was the last day of my surgical rotation. I have to admit, I didn't get that much out of it. It's quite disadvantageous that this rotation was not held sometime towards the end of my final year. That would ensure I put more effort into it, and things will be more fresh in my mind as well. But that's the luck of the draw. I do intend to work much harder in Carlisle, and hopefully having to live there would be enough to push me towards excelling in this Medical rotation. Theoretically la...

Just finished printing my CV for the next round of job applications. It's odd how people, who're supposed to be friends, can be so competitive and mean when it comes to academic/career stuff. I was first made aware of this fact during my 3rd year, when this friend of mine 'stole' an option from me. She just laughed it off, but I was quite shocked, and after that day, I never could trust her wholeheartedly again. The same goes for others. They'd advise you, conjole you...but with rather sinister motives in mind. It's quite sad, actually. I can literally count with my fingers the number of people whom I consider to be totally trustworthy. But then again, Ayn Rand did say that selfishness is a virtue. She argues that for each human being, the ultimate moral value is his/her own well-being. She should have tried arguing that point during the height of socialism. But it is an interesting point. Bye-bye altruism. Maybe I should consider this philosophical point of view?

There were 2 cases recently about parents and doctors arguing about resuscitating rather premature children. Begging the docs to let their kids survive. The first case was decided against the parents, 'cause the little kid was so very premature and was basically living in pain. These issues are naturally complicated, but I can't help wonder about it. There's obviously no correct or wrong answer, but personally, I'd choose to not resuscitate the kid. I might have a different perspective if it was my child, but I would not want such suffering to befall a child when it is due to no fault of her own. Granted, that's going totally against her autonomy, but a doc's job is to do no harm and improve the quality of life, more so than improving the quantity of it. That's what I believe anyway. So why condemn the girl to a life (which won't be long anyway) that will be filled with pain and misery? Prolonging her life in order to placate our feelings of guilt ain't exactly the right thing to do.

Yawn...

Em n Mocque are watching Sarah MacLachlan at this very moment. Not fair!! But I did promise myself to cut down on unnecessary expenses (read : concerts and clothes!) in order to top up The Fund. Having said that, here's hoping that The Darkness will be worth watching, and I can hardly wait to catch Green Day live in Newcastle! I mean, it's Green Day!! Pioneers of modern punk-rock, supporters of John Kerry. No way am I missing that!

Have I mentioned that I love Reiny more than anything in the world? Sigh...

A New Beginning

Guess who's back...back again...

It's been a long, LONG while since I've actually written anything down in this blog. A LOT of things are different now. I'm actually surprised that the blog is still in use. Guess that's an omen by itself eh? I'm not quite sure what made me decide to start writing in this blog again...probably 'cause I've just written a letter to Malaysiakini, and the urge to write is flowing continuously at the moment!

Of course, I should be studying...but then again, I hardly ever do what I'm supposed to do! And as Jason pointed out so recently, it'll be quite surprising to find someone who actually does not procastinate...

Some idiot wrote a letter to M'kini that basically says women without tudung and who wear clothes that are tight are asking to be molested. That's just silly, and it's so bloody natural for some of these men (who're supposed to be alim) to shift the blame to the girls. 'I'm sorry, I've got too much testosterone, it's not my fault that your clothes or lack of it turns me on!'. What the fuck? Come on la... high libido or not, God gave us brains. I believe the whole point of the frontal lobe is to ensure we have sufficient cognitive function, to ensure we're within the boundaries of what is socially acceptable. And that does not include rape. I can understand a guy who's had a stroke and can't think straight (like that guy over at ITU who seemed to have this compulsive urge to masturbate every 15 minutes. Regardless of who's around him.) But men who profess to be normal? Please la...

Feeling kinda lonely at the moment. Probably 'cause the only living creature in this house is good old Gargamel, who's finally eating again. And he isn't exactly the best conversationalist, and I don't speak parseltongue, so that's the end of that. Luckily I've got my Sky and broadband, without which life would be quite miserable... I'm missing armijn n zareen, miss the laughter that always fills the house, miss the way we'd always chat about things. In zareen's case, there's always the chance that we're going to talk about armijn. Hahahhaa... most of all, I miss reiny! It's funny how the person that I'm talking to the most, everyday on the phone, also happens to be thousands of kilometres away from here. And she also happens to be the only person that can make me feel so happy and warm inside, especially with this depressing and wet weather! Just love her so very much... and it's always a pleasant feeling knowing that your love is reciprocal...

I think a case in point would be during the day when I didn't get the RVI job. Was down and miserable 'cause I thought I nailed it. But that's overconfidence for you. Turns out I didn't get it, and I was all mopey and self-pitiful until I talked to her over the phone. After which, I 'magically' transformed into a person who didn't mind human contact. Occasionally, I do wonder why I didn't get the job, especially when I think I'm a better candidate than some who got it (perasan eh?). And occasionally, I curse myself for not applying to someplace easier that would've guaranteed me a place. Now, even those places are gonna be tough to get into. Ah well...there's a bright side to it, I guess. Firstly, apparently Zana's happy I didn't get the job. So I've made her day. Secondly, this can only serve to make me stronger. That comes after a week of cursing and self-pity. ;)

Think I'll end here. Shaheeda just told me she's got some ayam masak lemak chilli api to pass to me. Bless her!