:(

Withdrawal symptoms : Currently nursing a slight temperature and a major throbbing headache. Don't feel like doing anything but lie down on the bed and stare at the ceiling, reminiscing about the events of the week gone by. Don't seem to find joy in any number of things, and even when said reminiscing makes one smile, it is almost always followed by a flow of tears. I'm not exactly in the strongest state of mind, and I think I'll just wallow in self-pity for the next 24 hours.

Note to self : Life sucks

Finito

It's 0420, night 7 of my first ever week of nights and I'm glad to finally get the opportunity to rest for a bit. Not so much the physical bit, but the mental bit. We've just been fussing over 3 really (and I mean REALLY) sick patients who seemed to have subconsciously agreed to deteriorate simultaneously. One guy (who has a bilateral above-knee amputation) is quite sure that he's going to pass on and just keeps on telling us that all he wants is more morphine so that he can die in peace. The unfortunate thing is that he's not far from the truth.

Things seem to get busier as the week drags on. I don't quite mind being bleeped for actual emergencies, but last night was horrible for a number of reasons. Firstly, the bed manager screwed things up so we were left with a number of elective patients who had no beds and were stuck in a limbo. And for some funny reason, there were around a dozen emergency admissions at well. Needless to say, things were pretty chaotic.

I got pissed off with a couple of nurses, who weren't happy with the way I was prescribing magnesium. To cut a long story short, I prescribed a certain dose that did not follow hospital protocols (for clinical reasons). Fast-forward a couple of hours, and I find out that the patient had not only not received his Magnesium, but the nurses had phone a few people to ask about the dose.

I maintained that the dose I presribed was correct, and they said that it has never been attempted before, to which I replied 'that's funny, I've been doing it every week whilst I was at the stroke unit.' They then said that geriatric patients were different to surgical patients, despite this particular patient being around 70 years old. I asked, 'So you want me to reverse my decision?'. 'No...you're the doctor...'. Fucking twats.

I had even gotten the green light from the medical registrar on-call, but they weren't happy with the dose and since we had other things to do, we just gave in and prescribed the magnesium according to protocol. Who cares if the patient dies, as long as we follow protocol. I can't wait for the day when I'm senior enough and experienced enough to tell a nurse to fuck off when she's dabbling in things that she knows next to nothing about.

They just follow protocols blindly and learn things in a parrot-like fashion without considering the fact that protocols are there as GUIDELINES and that we're meant to use our clinical judgement. And the bloody Health Secretary now wants to allow nurses to prescribe all manner of drugs. Why don't you just shoot patients as they come through the door? I'm not criticising all nurses (the ones I worked with in medicine were superb) but if they're going to get all high and mighty when they've only touched the tip of the iceberg, you can bet your ass there'll be problems.

Needless to say, by the time morning came I was in a rather foul mood and I was quite tempted to slap the heroin addict who whined 'doctor, do you really need to get my blood? needles are so painful...'.

Was able to take a little time off halfway through the night though. I looked up and saw a very beautiful sky - it was crisp and clear, with a huge full moon and Mars situated next to it. The moment I saw it, I knew I had to go for a walk, which I did. The walk lasted a good 3 minutes I think, since I had only a layer of scrubs and walking around in subzero temperatures isn't exactly the most comfortable of experiences.

Hopefully, nothing serious will be turning up in the next few hours. I've more or less packed, just need to clear up my room a little and then Priya'll send me to the train station. And then I'll be off to put this week behind me. Of course my friends back in Newcastle has decided to organise their biggest open house on the weekend I'm not around (hmmph!!) but I guess I'll be able to devour food that's just as tempting. At this point, I seem to have a craving for some good nasi kandar. Mmm...

Random thoughts

- 3 and a half down, 3 and a half to go. Nights have proved to be rather relaxing so far, but the exception to the rule has been the past few hours. Have been kept on my toes by a couple of admissions, which I didn’t mind. What I did mind was the incompetence of a certain individuals who seemed to be of the opinion that jotting instructions in a patient’s notes is optional.

- Watched Argentina vs England a couple of days back, which England won 3-2 courtesy of 2 late goals by Owen. Till then, he was practically non-existent, and by then, Argentina’s main playmaker, Riquelme, was taken off the pitch. Overconfidence? Perhaps. But credit when credit’s due – it’s definitely the best England performance that I’ve seen in a while, and probably one of the best matches I’ve watched in a while as well. If England continue to play as they did, they’ll go far in the World Cup. Having said that, it’ll take a miracle or self-destruction for Brazil to not win the Cup. Of course I hope Italy or Argentina wins it, but I guess we’ll see in half a year’s time.

- Gonna see my Sweetie!!!!

- House of M #8 had one of the more disappointing climaxes (or anticlimax) in a major comic storyline.

- Been doing a fair bit of shopping recently. Bits and pieces to take back home to Msia, including the usual chocolates and what not. Took the opportunity to go to the pool and swim a few laps as well. Thankfully, I’ve seen an improvement – I don’t feel like drowning that early anymore.

- Been having discussions recently regarding the status of Malaysian medical students abroad. I honestly don’t understand the point of going back home to practise right after graduation. If one is to fulfil the rationale of studying overseas (i.e. to bring back foreign expertise or a different ethos), then one won’t actually see any benefits until one has at least completed a couple of years of work. And this would be even more so for specialist training. The argument of going back and then reapplying for post-grad studies overseas is a non-starter as the postgraduate situation back home ain’t exactly in mint condition at the moment, and until pure merit is the sole criteria from which one is judged is enforced, I think it’ll be difficult to argue otherwise.

- Jingo by Terry Pratchett is hilarious.

Nights

I'm halfway through my first (of seven) night shift, and it's been pretty quiet so far. It tends to be this way when it's a Friday night, what with there being no elective surgeries to worry about for the next day. It would be nice to have every night as peaceful as this (I've only had one clinical situation to deal with, everything else involved venflons, bloods etc) but I guess I should be grateful to at least have a couple of easy days before the weekdays arrive.

Of course, the glittering reward that awaits me towards the end of my night shift is the trip back home to the arms of Miss Sweetie. Have to say the excitement is slowly mounting and I'm getting that feeling one gets before the start of a big footie match for example. Or the feeling you get as you strap the safety buckle in as you prepare for a roller coaster to take off.

A big congrats to those who've passed their exams recently. I have to say I'm quite happy for them! Other medical events of the week involved me being asked to be in charge of next year's medical rota. I'm not sure if I should say yes, as it would mean being the target of every other doctors' fury and it'll involve me having to grow a thicker dermis, but at the moment I'm tempted to go ahead with it.

Yawn...I don't have a bed to sleep in for tonight as the allocated bed has been given to a patient's relative. I don't mind 'cause the poor chap's all anxious and worried and properly needs a bit of space to calm down. My bedroom's too far away so I'll probably just stay awake tonight despite the lack of things to do. Which means it's back to the biscuits and Jingo, the Terry Pratchett book that is on loan from Shanti.

out n about

It is now the month of Syawal, and as expected, there weren’t any traditional forms of celebration when it was ushered in on Thurday. After all, I was busy at work and it was also my last day of Stroke/Geriatrics medicine. The day, on the whole, was spent tidying up the loose bits on my old ward, along with a self-conducted orientation tour of my new Lower GI surgical ward.

A few of us went out for a celebratory dinner on Thursday night though. In retrospect, it was rather surprising that we hadn’t gone out together as a group for a meal/night out prior to that. I chose an Italian restaurant called La Pergola, which came highly recommended and was listed in one of those restaurant lists as being one of the best Italian restaurants in the country. And I wasn’t disappointed – the food was definitely the best Italian I’ve had the chance to savour outside of Italy itself.

The restaurant had a homely, rustic décor and we spent a good half hour chatting with the owner, Mauro, who emigrated to England ages ago. He’s quite an interesting character who counts a number of consultants at my hospital, Phil Collins and Gary Lineker as regular clients.




We went out for drinks after that, and surprisingly were able to wake up in time the next day (surgery sucks ‘cause the ward round begins at 0800, which means you have to be at the ward around 0740 to ensure everything’s in order). We also had a mess party that night, which started with a pool competition around 1830. A winner was eventually announced around 2300, but he wasn’t too pleased to find out that his prize (a bottle of wine) was opened by one of the other docs. He was thus presented with an empty bottle.

After that, a few of us headed out to The Concrete, a rather classy club that I was surprised to find in Carlisle. We danced (in various silly ways)’till the club closed. It was quite amusing to watch all these medical professionals make fools of themselves, but I’m under no illusion that I didn’t look rather silly myself! When we got back to the hospital, we were still pretty wide awake, so we ended up playing games ‘till it was about 4 in the morning. By that point, I was converted into a huge fan of Faithless, and until today I’m still humming along to The Killers’ ‘I’ve Got Soul But I’m Not a Soldier’, a song introduced to me initially by Sweetie.




Saturday and Sunday were spent meeting up with my Weegie buddies. Managed to get a few comics I’ve been searching for, along with the TB bag that I’ve been hunting for these past few months. Spent the evening celebrating Em’s birthday by bowling (I proved my ‘excellence’ at the game with a couple of double-digit scores), eating (Oja prepared a Raya meal and we got a fantastically rich chocolate fudge cake from Peckham’s) and watching a movie called Ella Enchanted or something like that. A movie that made me want to knock my head against a brick wall more than a couple of times. So, it was a big Happy 21st to Em, and a big congrats to Oja on her upcoming engangement.





The trip back was uneventful, except for the fact that the trip was on a bus rather than a train since they were busy with railway repairs or some shit like that. Now it’s back to surgery, which I’ve yet to like so far. It’s early days yet, but I doubt I’ll be changing my mind anytime soon especially with the organisational mess that it’s in and a number of nurses who steadfastly refuse to take bloods, insert a venflon and even take an ECG but find it necessary to bleep every house officer for the simplest of things. Somehow, the phrase ‘fucking stupid bitches’ was uttered by my mind a few times today but here’s hoping I’ll either develop a tolerance or the girls in the next shift have more than a double digit IQ.

Happy Deepavali and Aidilfitri!

Was tagged courtesy of Elly. Turned out to be more difficult to fill these things that I thought it'd be.

Se7en things that (will) scare me:
1. really huge insects, although it ain’t so bad these days - I actually played with a big spider the other day
2. something happening to my loved ones
3. not being compos mentis
4. that our assumption of what constitutes God has been wrong
5. that my kids will suffer the fate of living in a world that is hell-bent on self-destruction
6. watching The Exorcist all by myself at night with nobody else at home. I switched it off after 10 minutes
7. can't think of another one

Se7en things I like the most:
1. the taste of good food and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee
2. wandering aimlessly in a new place and discovering hidden gems
3. observing individuals’ behaviour and their reaction to others
4. reading
5. helping someone
6. the weather during the final weeks of spring
7. staring out at the horizon with the salty smell of sea in the air, my face being sprayed by the gentle mists of sea water and my toes digging into the sand as I feel the surf gently lap around my ankles

Se7en most important things in my room :
1. heart-shaped pillow and ‘flower’ given to me by Sweetie
2. mobile phone
3. laptop
4. books/comics
5. photographs
6. clothes/shoes/watch
7. my box of memorabilia. Although I just realised that it’s actually in Newcastle. Hmm…

Se7en random facts about me:
1. i’m organised and prefer things to neat and tidy. I can get annoyed when things are in a mess or are not well-planned
2. I tend to have a morbid sense of humour.
3. I tend to be logical and rational in my thinking
4. my shoes are a size 9. mostly.
5. I have symmetrical moles just above my knee on both sides (you wanted random facts, right?)
6. I tend to veer to the right when I’m walking with my eyes closed (no, this is not abnormal. Research has shown that when you blindfold someone and ask them to walk in a straight line, they will inevitably walk in circles. How do I know this? One of those random bits of fact that is of no use to me that I picked up somewhere)
7. I enjoy watching lightning

Se7en things I plan to do before I die:
1. live a substantial number of years with Sweetie
2. learn a new language
3. be at peace with my spiritual side
4. bungee-jump or sky dive
5. write a book or a newspaper column
6. learn a form of dancing
7. run a charity or clinic for the less fortunate

Se7en things I can do:
1. talk nonsense
2. play the piano
3. write
4. listen
5. comprehend things relatively easily
6. appear sympathetic
7. medicine

Se7en things I can't do:
1. draw
2. forget that someone had did me a bad turn
3. dribble a ball
4. do Maths. Actually, I can. I just can’t sit down long enough to bother with it
5. remember most of the things that I supposedly comprehend easily
6. write a good poem. Just flipping through Paradise Lost is enough to make one shake his head in wonder at the talent of poets such as Milton
7. grow long hair

Se7en words I say the most:
1. bloody hell
2. riight…
3. fuck
4. fucking idiot
5. Daymn…
6. aha
7. eh?

Se7en celeb crushes:
don’t get crushes on celebs

Se7en people I'll love to see doing this:
1. Sweetie
2. Radzi
3. W2K
4. CT
5. Shanti
6. Reem
7. Em